:/

It's always such a disappointment when things don't turn out the way you expected them too. People who say 'Do you think we'll still be friends when we're old?' are usually the first to go. I hate that question. It's nearly always the sign that your friendship has reached it's peak and it will all be downhill from here. It always inspires doubts in my mind.

You asked me that only a few months ago and it's pretty clear now where we're going. I hope you enjoyed the attention.

I'm so sick of falling for who I think people are. It pains me to have to get to know you only to discover you're the complete opposite of who I thought you were.

In other news...

I have work for the first time since Christmas. It's only 70 blips but times are tough. They're not really that tough. I just don't like taking from my parents so much.

It's getting closer an closer until I've to part with my best friend of the last few years for an entire year. I didn't think it would actually come to fruition but here we are. I'm sure it'll be grand and it'll probably do me some good but it's really going to suck. And I won't have someone to bring to gigs so I won't be alone. Damn it, Greer! What have you done! You better have a fucking great time!

Sigh...

I wish you knew how much fun I don't have when I'm out with you.
And I wish you'd stop convincing me to go out when I don't want to.
It's amazing how a different environment can bring out someone in you that I just can't stand to be around.
Sitting outside smoking and getting stoned with the pretentious and the ignorant is not my idea of having fun, so when you take part in these ventures and experiences, I'd prefer not to be invited and not to be told about it.
It's not accomplishing anything, no matter how you think it is.

It really isn't my place to say any of these things to you.

-

I'm losing faith in people.

Eugh...

It's getting to that time of year, where you leave and don't come back. I think it's starting to physically make me sick. It's dragging me back down to the downward spiral I climbed out of a few months ago.

Watching someone have a seizure has got to be the worst thing I have ever witnessed. It's like watching someone kick every last joule of energy out of their body before they die. It's so horrible to see. It happened to my gran a few weeks ago. This horrible shaking was followed by an ungodly sound, as if she was forcing all the air out of her body. It was like she was shutting down her systems one at a time, first the nervous system, then her respiratory system shut down.

She sat dead for about two minutes with a cold heartless stare across the room. Having to make a phonecall telling someone their mother just died is almost as bad as the event itself. I couldn't even bring myself to do it. I said she fainted instead.

As it happened she did come to a while later. My Godparents came over so I let them take over the situation while I sat down trying to take in what was going on.

As much as I helped that situation, I wish I wasn't there for it. It's going to haunt me for such a long time. A few years down the line when I think back on my grandparents, that's going to be the first thing that comes into my head. Fantastic!

Yo!

I wish I had a purpose to starting this blog. But I don't. It's just a way to combat my boredom, unemployment and an excuse for me to write more. Writing can be so beautiful. It's unlikely you'll find any such beauty in my ramblings or whatever ends up here but I suppose if I get something out of this, it'll be worth something.

Last month was my 21st birthday. Birthdays are always disappointing. It's such a build up were everyone raises false hopes of fun and something to remember but the only thing you come out remembering is the fact that you're another year older and have little more to show for it.

I'm hoping to turn everything around. I'm going to try and throw myself into art, music and creative writing. Hopefully It'll have some sort of positive effect on me. I think that these are three areas where someone can honestly express themself so if I become half decent in any of these fields, I'll be happy.